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I'll start my story how I remember it. It isn't in chronological order. I'll start where I can always remember. It will then jump to the part of my life where the child abuse memories started to come back.

I can remember spending a lot of time with my mother. She would go to her mother's house every day. She would spend most of the day there until it was time to go pick up the other kids from school. Then she would head home to cook supper and spend the rest of the evening with us kids and my father. My grandmother lived in a little house. Just four rooms. I remember we weren't allowed in two of the rooms. She had lots of property. We were always allowed to go outside and play because the house was set back far from the street and it was on an old country road. She also owned another house. It was there on her property as well. But I don't ever remember anybody ever living in it.

I don't remember my first years of school. I still don't remember them to this day. I do remember some of grade school. I remember that I did not make friends easily. I stayed to myself most of the time. I refused to have any thing to do with any of the other kids. I was always by myself. I didn't seem to mind. I actually excelled in being alone. I poured myself into my school work. I can remember always doing what I could at school. I didn't enjoy recess or lunch periods because I did not want to have to go outside with the kids. I preferred to sit by my self and read during recess and lunch.

I remember going to the hospital early in my childhood. I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time, but I now know that I had kidney failure and almost died. I was in the hospital for several weeks. Then I didn't get to go to school for a couple of months afterward. I stayed at home with my mother. Visiting at my grandmother's house.

When I was nine years old I was having a lot of problems. I would have horrible cramps in my abdomen. I didn't know what was wrong. I would have these almost every month. My mom took me to a doctor. He asked me a lot of questions. I didn't know the answers to most of them. I remember leaving there with mom and going to a pharmacy. I was put on birth control that day. They told me it was because my body would not start on it's own and that I needed a little nudging. The nudge worked, but I wasn't allowed to stop taking the birth control. I remember them talking about scar tissue. They also mentioned surgery at a later date if needed.

When I was only 11 or so I met a friend of my sisters. He was almost 21. He showed a huge interest in me. I used to sit up and talk to him all the time. His best friend lived across the alley from us. Whenever he left there he would come by and visit my sister. But it was always me that he really spent any time with. He would have me come sit on his lap and we would talk and talk. He started telling me that he was falling in love with me. He wanted to spend more and more time with me. My dad didn't really like it, but he said as long as we were at the house nothing could happen. (I will call him K in this story so you can distinguish who I am talking about.)K would come by every night after he got off work. He didn't even go to visit his friend any longer. He would come over and stay until dad would tell him it was time to leave. Then he would sometimes sit outside in his car and tinker with his stereo. I would get up to go to the bathroom and look outside and notice that he was still there.

All of the family enjoyed skating. I would often go to the skating rink in town. My mom and dad would take us every Sunday. During the summer months dad would let us go skating two to three times a week. K didn't know how to skate, but he wanted to learn. He soon started going so that he could spend more time with me. I actually thought that I liked his attention. As I blossomed into a young teen his attention grew stronger and stronger for me. I wasn't even thirteen and he told me that he wanted to marry me. That he wanted me forever and ever. That no one else should ever have me and that he would have me until the end of my life. I was actually flattered at the time.

Even though my dad didn't really like the idea, he seemed to allow K's visits. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere with him unless my older brother went with us. And then it was only to the skating rink or to a ball game. I got my first job when I was thirteen. I was a car hop at a local restaurant. I used to get a lot of tips. More so then the other girls. At one point the owner actually thought that I might have been stealing because of the amount of tips that I got every day. But he changed his mind when nothing was ever missing and when he realized sales had actually gone up. At the tender age of thirteen I seemed to know all about sexuality and I used mine to get large tips. I didn't know how I knew, but I knew and I used it.

One night, shortly after my birthday I walked down to a friends. She lived in the new apartments close to the restaurant that I worked at. Not all of them were finished. They were still under construction at the time. I was supposed to be home before dark, but she was depressed and I stuck around longer. It was late when I started walking home. I was only a few blocks from home when it happened. Someone came up behind me, grabbed me and pulled me into the wooded area by the apartments. I was scared to death, but in a different way then normal. He tore my clothes from me. He forced himself upon me and entered me with such force I started to scream. He held his hand over my mouth for a moment and then stuffed something in it so I couldn't make any noise any longer. He pounded into me with such force that I was hurting everywhere. My back was pounding into the brush and rocks on the ground. I was hurting every where. I didn't know why this was happening to me. Then he stopped. I thought it was over, but instead he forced me to take him in my mouth. He was shoving it so far in that I was choking. I was starting to vomit, but I couldn't get it out. I thought that I was going to die. Then I felt him let go inside of me and I knew that it was over. He threatened to kill me if I screamed or if I told any one. He told me that he knew that I worked at the restaurant and that he would come back for me if I called the police. He told me to just lay there for 30 minutes and then I could go. I laid there for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't move. I was barely breathing. I was terrified that he would come back and kill me.

When I finally found the courage to get up I could not find my clothes. They were gone. I had nothing to wear home. It was only a few blocks, but I still did not want to run home that way. I ended up running to the pond. I stayed down there for a long time. I finally found the courage to go home, but I did not go in through the door. I climbed in through a window. I did not want any one to wake up and find me like that. The first thing I did was call K. I told him to come immediately and told him that I was raped. I went to the bathroom and tried cleaning my self up. I was bloody on parts of my legs and back, but it was only from the scratches. I knew from school that I should have bled, but I did not. I didn't understand what was going on. I showered and showered until the water went cold. I still did not feel like I was ready to get out, but I knew K would be there if he wasn't already outside waiting.

K had been in such a hurry to get to me that he wrecked his car. He wasn't mad about that, but he was evil about what had happened to me. He made me go with him and show him the spot. He searched the area like he might find the guy still. He was really crazy. I had never seen him like that before. He kept talking about what he would do to the guy if he ever found him. He said nothing like that would ever happen to me again. That he would never let some one take me like that.

A few months late K told me he was going into the Marine Corps. He asked me to wait for him until he got back. I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't really old enough to think about something like that, but I said yes. I actually thought that I was special. He said he would write to me every week. I looked forward to his letters. He talked about how much he loved me. He talked about how he would take care of me.

The tone of his letters started to change. He started talking about sex in them a lot. He also wanted me to write to him that way. I found it hard to do. Something didn't seem right. Then one letter really changed the way I felt. He said he had met prostitute that looked a lot like me. He started sleeping with her once a week to think of me. He said he fantasized that he was with me each time. He would describe it in deep detail. I finally decided to break it off with him. I was sixteen years old at the time. I felt all alone, but I felt it was the right thing to do.

I still didn't have many friends. What friends I did have were males. We were just friends. Nothing more. But one night one of the guys tried to do something with me. It pissed me off. I got out of the car and started to walk home. He kept saying he was sorry. It was just the alcohol. He wouldn't do it again. Please get back in. But I wouldn't. He kept following me in his car and wouldn't leave me alone. This guy on a motorcycle pulled up and asked if I needed help. I said yeah. Make this jerk leave me alone. He offered me a ride. At first I wouldn't accept. I just kept walking. But it was a long walk and I finally decided to take the ride. He was really nice. He took me home and then sat out front and talked to me half the night. He asked if he could call or come by sometime soon. I gave him my number. We started talking all the time and then we started dating. One thing led to another and I started sleeping with him. It came really easy for me and I didn't understand how I knew how to respond so well, but I did. I ended up pregnant. I was really shocked because I was on birth control. I had been since I was nine. As soon as he found out he dumped me. My mom and dad started pushing for me to marry K. They felt he could take care of me. I didn't want to and it wasn't his kid. I didn't think he would want to. My mom wrote to him and told him what had happened. He said nothing had changed, that he still loved me and that he still wanted to marry me. He came home on leave while I was eight months pregnant. I didn't really want to marry him, but I was really being pushed into it by mom and dad.

I had a really hard pregnancy and almost lost the baby several times. I had to lay flat on my back during the whole pregnancy. I was not allowed to walk. I had to use a wheelchair to go anywhere. I had to get married in a wheelchair. He left for his new duty station three days after we got married. He said he would be back for me after the baby was born. I had the baby 3 weeks later.

K came back for me two months later. He packed all my stuff and moved me away from every thing and every one I knew. He moved us into a little trailer court about 15 miles from the base. He let me call home the first night from a pay phone. He stayed by my side while I made the call. He didn't let me stay on long. He said it was because of the finances. There was something about him that really bothered me. He seemed to have changed since the first time we met. I know that the first few months with him were somewhat uneventful. He never let me do much of anything. He wouldn't get a phone in the trailer and I couldn't understand why. When ever I wanted to call home he was always right by my side. And then he would not let me stay on long. Then one day the phone company showed up and installed a phone line in the trailer. But he would take the phone with him to work every day. He wouldn't leave it in the trailer when he was gone.

When I first got there I didn't do much of anything or go outside. But I finally decided to meet my neighbors.The first day he came home and found me outside was the last day I ever went outside by myself again. He beat me really bad and told me I was a whore. Told me I was probably looking for another man to get me pregnant again. He left for about an hour and then came back. He had bought bolt locks from the store. I was never allowed to leave the trailer again while he was gone. He had bars put on the windows the very same week. I became a prisoner in my own home.

My life became very confusing for me after this. My memory eluded me quite often. Sometimes I couldn't even remember what I had done the day before. I knew that something was not right about the way my life was going, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong.

There was one thing that stuck out in my head forever. It concerned K's best friend. When he would write to me before we got married he would tell me about his best friend that he was stationed with. He used to tell me that they were so close that they shared everything. I never really gave it much thought. One day K came home and told me that his best friend was coming to visit. He was really excited. He talked about old times and the fun they had. He said he was going to throw him a party. He told me that I better be on my best behavior or he would kill me.

The first day that his friend arrived I learned what K meant by sharing everything. I was included in the bargain. I didn't want to have any thing to do with it, but he beat me until I said okay. I did what I was told to do. K stood over us and watched as his best friend had his way with me. He commanded me to act like I liked it. To say filthy things and to beg for it. I held back the tears while his friend raped me over and over and over. I could barely walk the next day and I could barely stay awake to take care of the baby.

That night was K's party. He said five of the guys from the post were coming with him to party with his best friend. I had to show all of them a good time he said. If I didn't I would be sorry. I refused to have anything to do with it. I tried to stand my ground. He beat me before they ever got there. It didn't matter. I was got going to allow that to happen.

But he broke my will. He pulled a loaded gun on me and told me that I had a choice. I could take care of his friends or I could die. I told him to kill me. He said that wouldn't be a problem. But what about the baby? Maybe they could have fun with her. I began puking and crying but it didn't matter. While I allowed his friends to do what they wanted with me I had a loaded gun pointed at my head. K was getting excited and I was afraid that he would pull the trigger by accident. After one finished then the next would start. Then I had more than one on me at the same time. I remember that I was too hurt to move after it was all over. I just laid there. I didn't even have the strength to cry.

I didn't have any more memories of anything from that point on. What ever happened to me I buried so deep that I could not even remember what had happened just moments before. I knew nothing of the world around me. I don't know how I took care of the baby. My life was a total blank.

I will call the next person in my story S. The next thing I remember was driving to Raliegh-Durham. I remember that I had to pick up K's friend again. K could not go because he had to be at base in the middle of the night. He said he needed his sleep. He said that I would have to drive to get his friend, but he was sending one of his guys with me to make sure that I didn't do anything stupid. He said I could stop along the road to take care of his guys on the way back if they needed, but not to do anything else.

I remember coming home to an empty house. K was supposed to be keeping the baby while I picked up his friend. But the house was empty when we got back. I don't know what happened, but a neighbor had the baby. She said she had her husband break into the house because she had seen K leave but could hear the baby screaming. She asked if any thing was wrong. K's friend was with me still and I was afraid to tell the truth.

Three days later K told me that he had to pull CQ (Charge of Quarters, you had to stay on base for 24 hours) again. He could not understand why. He had just pulled it three days ago. I didn't think about any thing. I just figured it was the military. I was wrong. S, one of K's friends, one of the many who had used me had witnessed my husband abusing our child. He had more rank than K and had arranged the CQ. He said that what happened to me didn't really affect him. But when he saw K do what he did to the baby it sickened him and made him reevaluate every thing that was happening. I had found bruises on the baby and thought that K had hit her. She was only 8 months at the time. I couldn't understand how someone could abuse an infant. He broke into the trailer, helped me to pack what was really needed for the baby and a few things for me and then took me to base to get the truck. Even though S did things to me that are unspeakable, I thank him for saving my baby's life. For getting me away from K.

I moved home with my parents for a couple of months, but then I left there. K was calling there for me constantly and telling me that he was coming after me. I gave my baby to my parents and then hid. I was scared to death of him, but I was really unsure why. I decided to join the Air Force. I thought that I would be safe there. I didn't think that he would be able to find me.

I was so very wrong. I was through with my basic training. It was my first weekend off post. While walking home from the shopping center on base, K found me. He had taken leave and came to find me. He grabbed me, took me to a secluded spot off base and beat me. He then raped me over and over and over. He said there was nothing that I could do about it. He was my husband and he had every right to "make love to me". He beat me again and raped me again. I was bleeding really bad. I begged him to stop and take me to the hospital. He said he would do one better. He said he would drop me off at the military police station so I could report it. He laughed because he said they would not even do any thing about it. He was right. They said we were still married legally and that they had no jurisdiction in a domestic case. I conceived that night. I don't know how, but I was pregnant. I miscarried three months later. I was bleeding profusely and they could barely stop it. I told them about that night, but they still would not do anything. They said there was a lot of scar tissue and that I needed surgery. I consented and that is the last thing I remember.

My life was really messed up. I came home on leave to visit with my family. It was a happy reunion. I got to see my baby girl. She was growing by leaps and bounds. I heard that K had finally gotten out of the Marine Corps. I didn't think a lot about it. I didn't want to be reminded of the things he had done. Then one night while I was at the club I saw him. I immediately left. I was terrified. I wouldn't go anywhere the rest of me leave. The day that I was leaving he was just down the street from my parents house. He followed me to the airport. I wouldn't get out of the car until some one came to escort me in. I boarded the plane and thought it was over. But then he boarded too. I shook the whole way back to Texas.

I was re stationed to Indiana. I was close enough to home that I would come home every other weekend. It was about the sixth month at Indiana that K found me again. He said he wanted me one last time before our divorce was final. I was hurt so bad that I was put into the hospital. He gave me vd. He said that I deserved that. That I was nothing but a whore and a slut. The hospital treated me for the vd. Then I was sick a lot. I thought that I was pregnant again. They said I wasn't. But I felt like I was. Then one day I was rushed to the hospital. I had been pregnant. I had a tubal pregnancy. There was so much scar tissue the eggs couldn't get to the uterus. I lost the baby and almost died as well. They said I would never be able to get pregnant again. There was so much scar tissue, I had only one tube now and one ovary was now dead. They sent me home to recover. The physical was healing, but the mental was deteriorating.

I couldn't take life any more and I was on a path of self destruction. I took a medical discharge from the military and crawled home. I moved into an apartment by myself. I didn't want to do much of anything. I got a job to support myself. Then two jobs. Then I ran into an old friend. He had just been kicked out by his girl friend. I told him that he could crash at my house if wanted. I worked nights, he worked days. It wouldn't be a problem. I'd known him all through school. We barely saw each other. Only in passing. Then one night I got sent home early. We were dead at work. I decided to get drunk. My friend came home drunk. One thing led to another and once again I was pregnant. I do not know how, but I carried the child full term. I gave birth to a little boy. We ended up staying together because of our son. Then I got pregnant again. A little girl. Then again with a little boy.
Even tho this guy was no good for me I stayed with him because of the children. He was forever abusing me mentally. He drank a lot and would slap me around. It didn't seem all that bad. Then one day he decided to move out. I thought it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

I went back to work. My life was starting to look better. I went to college and life was actually good. I had three beautiful children, I was working and going to college. I didn't care about men. Didn't even want to be bothered with them.

Then it happened. I met the man of my dreams. Literally. I met him through letters. It started as a friendship during the war. But it moved into something better than that. He was really good to me and for me. He was open and honest. We ended up getting married. Things were really working out for me. Life was good. Then he got orders to go to Germany. The father of the children did not want the kids leaving the states and took me to court for custody. Even though he was never there for them the judge gave him temporary custody while I moved to Germany with my husband. Then my daughter who I had given to my parents decided to come live with me again. She came with me to Germany. I was depressed over losing the kids, but I still had my daughter. Then she decided she wanted to go back to the states. I was beginning to get depressed over that as well.

Then the first memory came. It came as a "body memory". I didn't know what it was at first. I felt this horrible pain in my right breast. It was like someone just shoved something through it. I could feel a burning pain like I when I pierced my ears as a teenager. It would not go away. I was shaking and hurting and scared. I didn't know what was going on. I was at a military party with my husband and I told him I wanted to go home. He said okay, said his good byes and took me home. I couldn't explain what it was or why. Then two days later it happened again. Only this time it came with the memory. I then realized what triggered it. While at the party some of the couples were talking about a woman who had her nipples pierced. They said she would go to the gym with her tee shirt cut out so it didn't catch on the nipple ring. Shortly after that conversation, a lady changing her baby's diaper stuck the baby with a pin. The baby screamed. That's when the "body memory" came. When it came with the memory I realized it was from the baby being stuck. When my baby was just a few months old I had accidently stuck her with a diaper pin while changing her. K grabbed one of the diaper pins and stabbed it into me. Then he stabbed it through me and told me I could wear it like that until I learned not to stick the baby any more. I wore that pin in me until the day I left him. It healed over and I could put an earring in there today if I wanted. I cried and cried and cried as I realized what had happened.

I started getting really bad headaches. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was going crazy inside. Then something different would happen. I would be wide awake, but yet I could see something. Like I was dreaming or watching TV. Yet it was happening to me. So how could I be seeing it happen? I thought that I was losing my mind. I was afraid to tell my husband. I thought he might think that I was crazy.

Memories of K's abuse started flooding into me. Memories of the nights when his friends would do what they wanted to me. Then the beatings because I let them. I remembered a time when I heard the baby crying and wanted to go take care of her. He wouldn't let me. I tried to get up to take care of her. I remember him tying me splay legged over a saw horse and let his friends pound into me. They would make me have oral sex with them. K would would call me names and tell me I was worthless. He would tell me I was a slut. Only a slut would have allowed someone to do what I allowed them to do that day I got raped. He used bondage on me all the time. He started using different things on me. He would let the guys force things in me. One time he raped me with a loaded pistol. The site tore into me and I bled really bad from it. He just rubbed the blood in my face. Then he became fascinated with peeing on me. He would make me swallow it sometimes. Sometimes he would wipe feces on me. I would be left like that all night long. In the morning he would let me shower, but I could not get the smell of it off of me.

Another night the baby was trying to nurse. I was sore from being beaten. I could barely nurse her and she seemed to be really stressed. I was trying to make a bottle for her. She was screaming by this time. K got mad at me. He started slapping me around. The bottle over heated and I was trying to cool it down. I thought I had it cool enough, but I didn't. The baby screamed. I quickly tried to quiet her. But it was too late. K said he would punish me for it later. After the baby was asleep, K re warmed her bottle. He heated it up really hot and then made me lay down. He tied me to the bed and then started thrusting the hot bottle in and out of me. I was screaming because it was a glass bottle and it was burning me inside. He stuffed something in my mouth and just kept raping me with my baby's bottle. Then he beat me until I passed out. When I woke up I was still tied to the bed. He had strapped the bottle inside of me. He was gone. The baby was gone. I didn't know where they were or when he would be back.

After that night he started raping me with a baseball bat. He would make me suck him while he raped me with the bat. He would dress me up like a tramp and then take me out in his truck. He would pull up beside truckers on the interstate and he would turn on the cab lights. He would make me masturbate in front of the truckers. Then he would make me use objects on myself. He would pull over at the truck stops to see if the truckers would stop. Some time they would and he would let them have sex with me. He would masturbate in my face while the truckers had sex with me.

It started happening more and more often. Every week he would take me out and have me do things with truckers. One night he took me to a strip bar. He made slip dollar bills in the g strings of the female dancers. What I feared was going to happen did. He watched while I had sex with another female. If I didn't act like I would enjoy it, then he would beat me up after wards. His abuse continued for several months.

I started having body memories again. I could smell rope at first. Then I could feel the pain of rope burns. At first I could only feel it on my arms and my legs. Then I started feeling it on my neck and back. I could smell the oil in the rope it was so real. As the memories came I would huddle in a corner of the room and scream and scream and scream. I was falling to pieces inside. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I felt the pain all over again. I could watch it like I was watching a TV screen. I could feel it like it was happening all over again.

The last memory I had before I finally sought help from a doctor was of my little girl. While I was tied over a saw horse being abused by one of his friends, K started doing things to my little girl. He was rubbing her in her privates. Then he started to rub himself on her. He would rub himself on her lips and then on her privates. I watched in horror as he put his finger in her first. Just one. Then he put another inside her. He laid her on the floor right in front of me and told me that she was going to grow up to be a slut just like me. He said that he would teach her how to be a better slut then her mother. I watched in horror as he started sliding another finger in her and then another. He was making her scream and I couldn't do anything about it. He was masturbating near her face and I started screaming at him to stop. He put her closer to my face so I could really see. Then he asked me if I wanted to watch him while he gave our baby what all women want. She was barely eighth months old. It was at that time that S walked into the trailer. K had three of his fingers inside of our baby. He had his penis close to her mouth. She was screaming. I was screaming. S walked over to K and hit him right in the mouth as hard as he could. They started fighting. The guy that had been there for awhile got up and left. Somehow I got kicked in the head and knocked out. I woke up in a hospital room. S drove me there and said that we were out four wheeling and that I hit my head on the window after a hard turn and drop. They believed it.I don't remember how long I spent in the hospital.But they finally released me after several nights.

It was two days later that I drove to Raliegh-Durham. Then just three days later S rescued me.

With all the memories coming back my life was pure hell. I started seeing a doctor 2 times a week. I was plummeting into a deep depression. They were talking about admitting me to the hospital. They were afraid that I was becoming suicidal. Through out all of it my husband stood by my side. He was there for me when I needed him and he would back away when I felt like I needed my space. I thought the worst of the memories were over. But it was only the beginning.

One morning I got up and started my household chores. I had a feeling of foreboding hanging over me all morning. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I was major upset most of the day. I started getting a really bad headache. I knew that I was not going to get it to go away on its own so I went to the hospital. They gave me a shot of demeral and a shot of visteril and sent me home. As the medication started to work on me my mind started to fade away from me. I started dreaming, but the dreams were strange and unreal. When I woke up the next day I had foggy memories, but nothing that I could comprehend. My sister happened to call that day and we talked. I don't know what brought the conversation up, but she asked me out of the clear blue if I was a victim of incest. I laughed and said no. She said she just wondered. Then we talked of other things. But that question opened up a Pandora's box for me. All day long I had memories of the dreams the night before. I couldn't place the house that I was in or where I was. It was very strange for me.

The next morning I got up and started working in the garden. I worked in it most of the day. Later in the afternoon I walked down to the store that was just a few blocks away. I was actually feeling very good. Later that evening my husband and I took a drive. I don't even remember where it was. When we returned there was an abandoned puppy in our fenced in yard. It even had a food dish and a leash still attached to it's collar. Something frightened me, but I didn't know what it was. All night I was nervous about something, but could not place it.

The next morning I started having flash backs of the incest. I remember my uncle taking me down to see the puppies. Letting me pet them. Then he would take me to show me his "special puppy". I started remembering how he would pick me up and give me real tight hugs. How he would pull me close to him when I was just a little girl. I remembered sitting on his lap and feeling him bounce me up and down on his knee. I would feel him bounce me up and down more on his lap. And then he would hold me there real tight. I could feel him squirm a little underneath me. I didn't know what he was doing, but I would just sit there in his lap. Eventually the memories flooded through me. I started remembering him fondling me. Touching me under my panties. He would rub me and ask me if I liked it. The first time I told him no. He told me that I was being bad and that my mother would be mad at me for being a bad little girl. He told me to say yes, to say it felt good. I would tell him it did, but I didn't like it. At first he would just touch me under the panties and rub me down there. He sometimes would kiss me on my chest and on my belly button. Then one day he went farther with me. He put his fingers between my legs and started to spread me open. I started to cry. He told me that I shouldn't cry. He said that I should be happy that my uncle loved me that much to make me feel good. He told me to tell him thank you. When he started to push deeper inside of me I started to cry again. He told me he would quit, but he was going right down to tell my mother that I was being bad. He said that he was going to watch her spank me. I didn't want that. He said my mom wouldn't love me any more if she knew that I was being disrespectful. I laid there and let him do what he wanted to me. After a while he unzipped his pants and made me touch him. He said it was just like the little puppies I liked to pet. He told me that I could pet that for awhile. I didn't like the feel of it and started to pull away. He held my hand real tight and helped me to pet him the way he wanted petted. Then he pulled my face closed to him and I felt something wet in my face. He rubbed it off with his fingers and then told me to lick his fingers. He said that was a special kiss just from him. He told me I couldn't tell anybody because they would be jealous that I got his special attention. He said I couldn't tell my mom or dad because I had been disrespectful and they would not love me any more. If I kept it a secret, then they would still love me and I could still be his favorite niece.

With each time that I spent with my uncle he would become rougher with his touch. He started pulling himself out right away instead of waiting. He would rub himself on my face and my chest. He would rub it through the curls in my hair. Sometimes he would lay me on my stomach and rub him self between my butt. I could feel the wetness afterwards. Then he would just wipe it off and make me lick his hand.

One day he took me in the big house. He showed me a hole in the wall. He said that if I ever told what he was doing to me that he would stick me in that hole and he would nail a board over it. No one would ever be able to find me. Then that day he took me upstairs in the attic and laid me down on a stinky old mattress. He removed me clothes and laid them on the floor. He started like he always started, but then he changed. He used three fingers on me. I could feel him moving me and stretching me. I was hurting and I started to cry. He shoved himself in my mouth and held it there until I couldn't breathe. Then he pulled it out. He said crying was a sign of weakness. That my daddy didn't like weakness. He said my daddy was a strong man and wouldn't want a little girl who was weak. He said my daddy really wanted boys, but if he had to have little girls then they needed to be strong. He said he was going to make me strong. He said every time I cried he would put his puppy back in my mouth and I could suck on it just like a little baby. Then he started forcing himself inside me. I felt like my body was ripping open. I was all wet and I thought that he had caused it. I thought that he was going to stop, but he didn't. He lifted me up, sat up and sat me on his lap. He pushed into me again and he lifted me up and down. I could feel the wetness and started crying. He pulled me off of him and threw me down on the mattress again. When he went to stick it in my mouth I saw blood on him. I started to scream but couldn't. Then he was inside of me and he was pushing himself in and out of me so hard that I was choking. I could taste the blood and it was making me sick. Then I felt him let loose of something in my mouth. I didn't know what it was and I would not swallow it. When he pulled out I spit it out. He slapped me and told me to never to it again. He said that he was going straight down to tell my mom. I starting crying to not tell. He said that I had to make him feel better then. He said that I was acting just like a little baby and therefore I could suck on him just like a baby. I didn't know what to do. He put it in my mouth and told me to suck on it. I tried, but I didn't do what he wanted. He stopped, got his belt and started spanking me. He asked me if I was going to behave. I said yes and that I would be good. Then he put himself in my mouth again. He told me when the time comes that I better not spit it out again. He said that a good little girl would want all of his special ice cream. Every time after that he would force me to suck on him. Sometimes he would put his fingers in me. Sometimes he would put them between my cheeks and rub my anus. Then one day he started licking me down there. I just laid there frozen in fear. He would bite me and it would hurt. Then he started licking on my anus. He then started rubbing his penis between my legs and then between my butt cheeks. I felt the wetness and thought it was over. But instead he rubbed it on my anus and then he put one of his fingers inside of it. I wanted to scream, but couldn't. Instead I just laughed and laughed. He didn't like that and he forced another one inside of me. I couldn't cry any more so I just laughed. If I didn't cry I thought I wouldn't have to suck on him. He pushed and pushed into me and I could hear his breathing going really fast. Then he pulled them out and put his penis between me and forced himself into me. I couldn't scream. I tried but I couldn't. I hurt too much. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom and I tried to push away, but he just held himself inside of me and he shook and shook and shook. I could feel him grab a hold of me and shove me towards him. He shook for the longest time and then it was over. Then he passed out on top of me. I was squished beneath the weight of him. I could smell the stench of beer on his breath. His breath was hot and he was breathing in my face as he slept on top of me. I laid there for a long time trying to be still. Then I started to try and push him away, but I couldn't. He was to heavy. He was drooling on me as he slept. After a long time I started to cry. I had tried to hold it in, but I started to cry. I don't know how long I cried, but it seems like forever. Then he woke up. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. He said he was going to tell my dad. I tried to stop crying, but I couldn't. I tried really hard. I quit making the crying sounds, but the tears still came. He called me a little baby. A disrespectful little baby. He told me to go ahead and suck it like a baby. It was soft and yucky feeling. It was dirty. I could see feces on it and some blood, but he made me lick it any way. I started throwing up because it tasted horrible. I couldn't stop wrenching. He grabbed me by my throat and started choking me. He threw me down on the floor and then he picked me up again. He started to call me names that I didn't understand. I couldn't quit puking and crying. He grabbed me and started forcing himself into me again. He told me if I quit crying he would take me back to grandma's. I started to calm down. He said he was sorry for choking me. He said he didn't mean to hurt me. He said that he would make me feel better. He started kissing me and rubbing on me. Then he took me downstairs and ran a bath. He cleaned me up as best as he could. My hair was a mess and I didn't like it. Then he said he would let me go pet the puppies if I was a good girl for him. I shook my head that I would be. He helped me get dressed and then we went to see the puppies. While I was petting the puppies he picked up some of the puppy poop and rubbed in on my face and then rubbed it on my dress. Then he took the puppy away and threw me in the dirt. He said to get up. That we were going to walk back to grandma's. While we were walking I felt him push me in the rocks. I scraped my knees and my hands really bad. He shoved me into the ground and he said that I was to tell mom that I fell in the puppy cage. If I didn't then he would tell my dad that I was a crybaby. When we got there mom came running to me. I told her the puppies knocked me down. She took me home and cleaned me up.

I didn't get to see my uncle the next couple of times that I was over there. I didn't get to go see the puppies either. But I didn't want to see them either. Then I saw my uncle coming one day. I started running to the little house be he caught up to me. He said he would be nice to me. That I would get to see the puppies. Just the puppies. That he wouldn't make me touch him. So I went with him. But he lied to me. While I was petting the puppies he started rubbing on me and then he started rubbing his penis in my hair. He rubbed it all over me. He put it close to my mouth, but he didn't make me suck on it. I didn't cry. I just sat there and petted the puppies. Then he took the puppy away, pulled my pants down and started rubbing himself in and out of my legs. He took my hand and put my hand on it and made me rub it up and down. I just sat there and let him do it. Then he put himself close to me and let himself get wet on my lips. I still just sat there. I didn't move or cry. Then he gave me the puppy and let me play with it again. Sometime later he took me back to my mom's. For the next few times all he did was rub on me. And wet on me. Then one day he took me to the big house again. I started screaming when I saw where he was taking me. He put me in the hole and told me that I fit in there real well. Then he took me out. He said we were going down to the basement to get the board and the hammer. He said that he thought I told my mommy. I said I didn't but he didn't believe me. He took be to the basement. He handed me the hammer and told me to carry it upstairs while he carried the board. He put me back in the hole and he laid the board up against the wall. He was digging in his pockets and then I saw him holding a couple of nails. I promised him over and over that I would never tell anybody. I told him that I would be a good girl. I said I would never cry and he could make me strong. He held the board over the hole and started to nail me in. I kept begging him to stop. He asked me if I would ever tell my mom or my dad. I told him no. He asked if I wanted him to treat me like a good girl. At first I said no, but he started hammering again. So I said yes. Then he asked me if I would do anything thing that he told me to do. I told him I would be good. I would let him. He pulled the board down and helped me out of the hole. Then we went upstairs to the attic. He raped me in front and then in back. When he was finished he spread my legs apart and started rubbing me. He asked me if I liked it and I told him yes. He placed his fingers inside of me and rubbed me inside while he kissed on my tummy. He said to talk to him. Tell him that it feels good. I didn't know what he meant. He stopped what he was doing, picked up the hammer and handed it to me and said come on then. So I told him I liked it. He asked me what I felt like, but I didn't know. He said, tell me you like it. Tell me to rub you hard down there. Tell me to stick my fingers in you and pound them into you. Call me daddy and tell me it feels good. I talked to him and told him I liked it. I told him it felt good. He asked me if I wanted his fingers in my ass. I said yes. He spit on them and then rubbed the spit on me. Then he put them in me. He rubbed them in and out and he rubbed me in front with his thumb. Then I licked his fingers for him. It tasted horrible. Then he was licking me down there. He was licking me all over and I couldn't lay still. I didn't know what my body was doing. He said it's because I liked it. He said that my body liked what he was doing and to tell him so. He started sticking his tongue in my anus and then back to the front of me. He would move his tongue around. Then I felt his fingers again. They were moving in and out while he was licking me. I started shaking and I couldn't stop shaking. I thought that I was sick or something. Then he quit. He took my hand and put it between my legs. He had me feel around. He made me rub on myself while he watched. Then he put my fingers on a spot of me that was sticking out some. He said it was called a love bump. He told me to rub my love bump back and forth. I did what he said. He made me do it back and forth. And then he took himself in his hand while I touched myself. He said that it's okay to do that to myself if I liked it. He said that my mommy did it to herself and that my daddy probably helped her do it to. He said that I could do that to myself all the time if I wanted.

I don't know how long my uncle did this to me, but I remember it happening a lot. He would wink at me and give me a special smile and I knew that I was to go to the big house. I would always go. Sometimes I would see him in the yard with a hammer in his hand and then I would just go to the big house. I always went and then I would go play with the puppies afterwards. One day I saw my uncle taking the puppies to the big house. I didn't know what he was going to do with them. I went down to see. He told me he was sticking them in the hole because they were bad. They were like I used to be. Whiny babies he said. He said they whined too much. I didn't want the puppy to go in the hole. He told me that puppies had love bumps too. He asked me if I knew that. I said no. He told me he would show me where their love bumps were.

He put my hand between the legs of one of the puppies and moved it around. He asked me if I could feel it yet. I said no. He moved my hand around a little until I found the puppies love bump. Then he told me to play with it like I play with mine. I did. But the puppies bump starting sticking out. It wasn't like mine and I thought I hurt it. But he told me that puppies just liked it more and to keep doing it. He watched me pet the puppies love bump and then he took him self out and started to play with it. Then he told me to put the puppy down and to lick on him. I did. After a while he took my clothes off of me and he rubbed the puppies nose on me. It was cold and wet and I didn't like it. Then he rubbed something on me down there and the puppy started licking me. When the puppy would stop he would rub it on me again and then the puppy would lick me again. I don't know what he kept putting on me. He just kept putting it on me and then the puppy would lick me. Then he stuffed something inside of me. I could feel it, but I couldn't see what it was. I just laid there and then he put his fingers in my anus and started rubbing me inside. I could feel something inside of me while he rubbed me in my behind. Then he rubbed something on me again and the puppy came back over. Then he rolled me over and rubbed it on my anus. He held my butt apart and the puppy licked and licked. Then I felt him slide something inside of my anus. The puppy was trying to lick what ever it was. It wouldn't stop. Then he put himself in my mouth and told me to suck on it. I said I wasn't being a baby, but he said the puppies were and it was my fault. He said I had to teach the puppies how to be strong. So I sucked on him until I felt his wetness. And then he let me go play with the puppy.

The next time I saw him he brought the puppy, but he also brought the big dog to. He let the dog lick on me and then he lifted me up and rubbed me on the dog. The big dog was trying to do to me what my uncle had done before. His love bump was sticking out like the puppies had stuck out. My uncle let the big dog keep rubbing on me. Then he put himself inside of me and pushed in and out real hard. He was pushing harder than he normally did. It was hurting more than before. All of his weight was on top of me and I couldn't breathe. Then I felt him grab my bottom and moved me closer. He put his fingers in my anus while he was inside of me. He was panting. He told me to say yes daddy. I just kept saying it. He said to say hurt me daddy cause I'm bad. And I would say that too. When I would quit talking he would yell at me to say it again. So I did. I started laughing and he got mad at me. I wouldn't cry any more. I would just laugh. He pulled out of me and stuck it in my anus. Then he told me to say I want to suck it daddy. But I didn't. He slapped me and said to say it and so I did. He said to say it like I really wanted to. Say it like I said it to my mommy when I wanted her to buy me something. He said to beg him like I begged my mommy. So I did. I said it over and over and over. And then he pulled it out and shoved it in mouth so hard it hurt me in my throat. I couldn't breathe. I was gagging. I could feel my throat contracting trying to vomit. But he held my head in place and wouldn't let loose. He just tried to push it in deeper and deeper. And then he shook and shook and shook and then I could feel him oozing down my throat and I couldn't swallow it because he was so far in. Then he let go. I took a deep breath and starting choking and coughing. And then I just laughed. Laughed, laughed, laughed. The tears were right behind my eyes, but I could only laugh.

That was the last time that my uncle touched me. I didn't see him for a long time. My mom said that he had to go to the doctor's because he got sick. She said that when he was better he would get to come home. I don't know how long it had been, but one day when we went to grandma's the big house was torn down. It was gone. Grandma had one of my other uncles come over and put some rocks where the house used to sit. Then one day there was this big shiny thing in the rocks. My mom told me it was a clock. That the sun told it the time. I know now it was a sundial. Shortly after that she got rid of the dogs and the puppies too. She sold them all. They were too hard for her to take care of them she said. She said that my uncle used to take care of them, but he was too sick to take care of them and so she got rid of them.


When I look back on my life I am saddened. My mind can rationalize why I did some of the things I did. But my heart is another matter. I have always tried to understand why I was so different. I couldn't understand how I knew things the other children didn't. During a session in sex education I busted out laughing. The teacher said it was inappropriate and sent me to the office. I didn't think it was funny. I didn't know why I laughed. But I laughed and laughed.

My attitude on sex was different than most. And SEX was love. Or was love SEX? Either way it was different then it should be I am sure. How I reacted to it was different as well. My thoughts and views were very different than most people I knew. I felt like I was a freak when ever the topic of sex came up. I had this belief that I was here to pleasure men. It didn't matter if I enjoyed it as long as they did. I didn't care how many times they hurt me. That was okay. That was love. Or was it sex. If you didn't hurt me in some way then you didn't really love me. YOU were abnormal. There was something wrong with YOU. All you had to do was tell me what to do and I was right there doing it. It didn't matter if it was degrading. That was my position in life. Use me. Hurt me. That was love.

I know that I dressed differently. Mostly for shock value I think. Or for attention. I'm not sure which one. It didn't matter. I know that I turned eyes quite often. I couldn't hear, but I could see the whispers about me. That was okay. That is what my life was about.

My circle of friends were different to. I chose them for a reason. Because then I would fit in. I didn't seem to be the freak anymore. They were bigger freaks then me and it lessoned my disgust in myself. I could look at the lot of them and think, I'm not so bad. But it was all a charade. I was bad. I was the cry baby. The whiny bratty child who only laughed. I laughed at pain. I laughed at sickness. I laughed at discipline. I laughed at death. I laughed. I laughed. I still laugh. Go hurt yourself and watch me laugh. I don't have tears. I only have laughter. Weakness. It's just a sign of weakness and I could not be weak. I could not be a child.

What do you say to the police officers right after you have been brutally raped. You don't. You just laugh. Or tell them it's okay. That's my destiny in life. With another laugh of course. That's what I live for. Didn't they know that. Another laugh. What's wrong with YOU? That's what we're here for isn't it. To take care of men like you.
,brAnd oh was I proud of what I could do. What I knew. How well I could do it. The best. And it didn't matter what it was. I could do it. And I could make you think that I enjoyed it. I could make you think that you were the best. I could beg you if I needed to. I could talk dirty if I needed to. I could do and be whatever it was that you wanted me to be. All you had to do was say so.

But it wasn't life. It was hell. My own living hell. Created for me by a disgusting uncle who turned me into a sick person just like himself. By an abusive husband who trained me to do what was best for men. No matter what the costs. I was just a toy to inflict your desires onto. Take me how you wanted me. Make me do what you enjoyed. Who cared. Certainly I didn't. All I could do was laugh.



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